Trust in Me/Myself/I

courtesy of Laura Fitch / fitchphoto.com

When our league held travel team tryouts, they asked us to answer a few questions about our interest in making that move and what we would bring to the team. It’s a topic I think about often, and yet I was relieved that they did it through an online form rather than in-person. Having time to carefully measure, read, and re-consider my words is something I always appreciate. It’s not only about polish, it’s about making sure the words that are coming out actually represent what I think/believe. Words tumble out too easily sometimes, and you can’t stop them when you’re having a conversation. Depending on the level of meaning that someone’s going to attach to your response to a question about what you think, that can be scary.

Anyway. I had no expectations about that tryout process, truly — it’s hard to explain, but I think I just managed to remain in the moment up until it was over and we had to wait for results. I just tried to take it all in, not have any expectations other than participating (doing everything that was asked of me, trying my best, even/especially if it was a bit scary). So the analytical brain shut off, and so I just didn’t pay attention to my position in the pack, so to speak. Which kept me from freaking out in a major way.

But the survey absolutely spoke to the analytical side of me, the part that wants to understand EVERYTHING, figure it all out, and prove to myself that if I can solve ALL OF THE PROBLEMS, I’ll improve. Even though I know that’s not the way it works with so many things (derby included).  So one of the questions asked about our vision of a team. Never having been part of one, I probably should have said that. But instead, I just wrote what came to mind. I wrote about trust as a responsibility that you have to your team; to be there when the team needs you, not just when you need the team. I don’t know where it came from, but I still like it, and I still believe it just as much, now that I’m actually part of one.

One of the challenges in derby is seeing yourself as secondary to the team; secondary to the jammer you’re trying to protect and help, secondary to the work that you’re doing with your fellow blockers, secondary to the game that you’re trying to win. You’re a part of that, of course, but the larger part is always more important. That’s the trust part. I know, team sports 101, right? But it’s part of what makes it so challenging to play when you’re not confident in your skills, because you have a whole team counting on you to do your part, trusting that you will and that you will have your own confidence to do it — and all that responsibility can be weighty.

On the scale from uber- to under-confident, I trend towards the latter. I put on the damn skates, I show up on the damn track, I listen and skate and try to do what I’m supposed to, be where I’m supposed to be, and some days the needle moves further to the left than others. It’s where the analytical side of me is a bit of an enemy, sizing up the field and my own skills and giving me far too many reports on the situation. I’m not oblivious or praise-seeking; I know my skills, and I have my eye on some very particular goals for future skills, but right now? It’s sometimes hard to shake off feelings of letting down the team when I don’t accomplish something I want to do. Which is my issue, I know. Mine to shut up about, a good deal of the time, but I also believe there’s some value in getting this stuff out, both to me and maybe to others who can find some truth for their situation.

So on the heels of our big home season opener (yay!) and first bout with the new team (yay!), and not really accomplishing what I wanted to (boo!), I’ve been in deep in snarkyfunk this week, and it has not pretty. Inward and outward, a crappy mood is crappy. It’s taken me four days to articulate what was happening in my head though, which is what I need to actually shut it off. So in tweet form, starting around noon and continuing through the afternoon/evening:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that’s it, really. Onto the next jam! Smash!!

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